American Love
The American Dream. Three simple, sweet words that make us swell up with pride, give us goose bumps, and evoke sweet, hopeful emotions for a beautiful future. It gives us hope for prosperity, promises riches, great jobs, and fame. But one of its most sweeping promises is that of the picture it presents to us of the intimate and romantic kind of love that the American dream can give us. And it’s all a giant deception and a seductive lie straight from the pits of hell.
Am I challenging your thinking yet?
Through Hollywood and the entertainment industry, the American dream has promoted an idea of love that draws us in. Movies celebrate star-crossed lovers who meet at sixteen or seventeen, fall madly in love, spend their last summer in high school being as sickeningly-saccharine as possible in their interaction with one another, maybe “slipping-up” along the way (but it’s all good ’cause, unbenowst to their prudish parents–the antagonists–they were meant to be together, anyway). They’re the sweetest, cutest, most meant-to-be couple ever, and all the girls in the theater are absolutely elated when the film ends on their happily-ever-after moment. Everyone leaves the theater with their hearts totally melted, a “I just got emotionally laid” look etched across their faces, and butterflies in their stomachs. They wonder and dream of when they, too, will have their share in the promise of that kind of love. They make up their minds to peruse that very thing.
Now, let’s have a look at the reality that escapes our sap-dripping friends (it’s not just girls–guys do it, too). 50% of all marriages in the U.S. end in a divorce. One-in-four of all girls (sexually active or not) between the ages of 14 and 19 have an STD. 40% of women become pregnant before the age of 20. Of teenage male fathers, 8 in 10 of them never marry the mother of their child. One in three pregnancies in the United States end in abortion, often leaving women emotionally scarred for life.
Well, that’s one way to kill all the warm, fuzzy-wuvy feelings. Welcome to reality, baby.
Real Love
Do you want to know why it’s like this, and not like it is in the movies? Well, aside from the fact that MOVIES ARE FANTASY and LIFE IS NOT, real love looks nothing like what you see in the entertainment world. Real love isn’t about saying the perfect words at the perfect time, and being “so sweet!” to one another. It’s not about cute moments. It’s not about some emotional-high and warm-fuzzy feeling. If you wanna know what love is, let’s go back to a hill called Golgotha, known to most as Mount Calvary around 30 A.D., to a Man and a cross. Let’s go back 2,000 years to the writings of Paul. 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 says thus:
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.” (NIV)
Now, let’s see how this holds up against the reality of most American relationships (especially, but not limited to, relationships among teenagers and young adults).
1.) Patient? Hardly. It take about 10 seconds for most to start sucking face and ten minutes before the pants start coming off.
2.) Kind? That explains all the broken hearts, and hateful letters following the shout-match breaks ups.
3.) Does not envy? So that’s why people constantly chase after other people’s boyfriends or girlfriends.
4.) Does not boast? Yeah, I guess that explains why these couples who are “so in love” feel the need to publicly express that love by swapping saliva and feeling each other up in front of everyone.
5.) It is not proud? It is not rude? Are you serious? It’s pretty rude to everyone else when a mother can’t take her 4-year-old out somewhere without having to explain why some dude has his hands all over a girl’s chest as they make out.
6.) Not self-seeking? Here’s the clincher. If it’s not self-seeking, then why’s everyone looking for it? People “fall in love” these days for self-fulfillment because they are in love with the idea of love. “If I can just find the right one…” If you’re looking for someone and you don’t know who it is you’re looking for, then how can it possibly be anything but self-seeking? Or are you so generous that you’re just simply eager to give the gift of you to whoever you can?
7.) It is not easily angered? Yeah, maybe during the first week when they’re getting to know one another.
8.) It keeps no record of wrongs? Yep, sure…and every single time a couple gets in a fight, every single thing the other has done gets dredged back up, including all those things they had “forgiven” one another for.
9.) Does not delight in evil? Sexual immorality of any kind–including lust–is evil, and our society loves it. “Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28, KJV)
10.) Rejoices in the truth? Love rejoices in the truth, but lust and lusts of the flesh hate the truth…which is exactly why this blog will probably upset enrage some people.
11.) Always protects? That explains all the STDs and teenage pregnancies.
12.) Always perseveres? Get back with me in a few weeks on that.
13.) Always trusts? Is that why you’re scared to death of him or her being around another girl/guy?
14.) Always hopes? Hopes what? That they will stay together a few more weeks? That the condom won’t break?
15.) Never fails? Hence the 50% divorce rate.
So, based on this biblical litmus test, we have to consider one of two possible options: Either the Bible is wrong (which it isn’t), or we as a society have absolutely no idea what true love is and our definition of love is completely perverted. I’ll let you figure out which one is right.
Look, I’m not being harsh for the sake of being harsh, and I’m not being sarcastic for the sake of being sarcastic (it comes naturally). And you know what? Though some people will protest and say I’m the most judgmental, pharisaical person on the planet, I’m not judging anyone individually. What I am judging here is modern society and this monster we call love that has been birthed out of a nation that went totally off track at some point during the past 60 years. Because you know what? At one point in time, and up until the past year, I fell for the lie of the American dream’s rendition of reality myself.
So what we have now is a society of people who are always looking for love, but generally only going as far as lust. What we have is a society of people who think that past the age of 12, they have to constantly be dating someone, because what they’ve been told they should desire and what they’ve been pressured into believing is that their lives can never be fulfilled if they aren’t constantly ensuring that they are tied down to someone else. What we have is a society of people who think that just because they exchange sweet words and gifts with someone else, and just because they say the right things and do the right things, and just because they attach the words “I love you” to it, that they’re in love.
You might say, “But it’s impossible to have the kind of love described in 1 Corinthians 13!” Yes, as humans, we will not always get it perfect. But there is a way to have that kind of pure, real love, as opposed to lust. The first thing you have to realize about 1 Corinthians 13 is that it’s not just talking about the romantic kind of love between a man and a woman–it’s talking about love in general, making no distinction. It’s talking about the kind of love a man has for his brother (whether it be natural or spiritual), the kind of love a mom has for her daughter, and the kind of love Jesus has for us.
If you want that kind of love with someone of the opposite sex, don’t seek it. Why? Because you should be so in love with God by the time you’re ready to be with someone else that they have to go through God to get to you. What you should be doing is seeking God, and you can’t be seeking God and man at the same time. If you seek God, He’ll give you all else that you desire. Just make sure that while you’re seeking God you don’t get distracted by seeking relationships with other people. “But seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” (Matthew 6:33) “And ye shall seek Me, and find Me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13)
Some Tips
Here’s some randomized thoughts (since making them all cohesive would require a bunch of extra junk that you don’t have time to read and I don’t have time to write):
♦ If you are 16, why are you even bothering? There is absolutely no point in being in a relationship at 16. The only purpose a relationship at the age of 16 can serve is a distraction to your growth in and knowledge of God, as a distraction to your education, and as a open field for temptation.
♦ In fact, I don’t care if you’re 25. If you’re not in a position where you could be married the next day and be fine, it’s not the right time. If a man doesn’t have a job that can sustain a household and a house, it’s not the right time.
♦ The right thing at the wrong time can be, and often is, the wrong thing. And if it is the right thing, pretend like it’s the wrong thing. Why? Because getting with the right person at the wrong time can totally destroy the future you could have had with that person. Check out the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). He received what was rightfully his (the right thing), but instead of waiting for the right time to go out on his own, he took his inheritance, left his father’s house, and ended up squandering all that he had, because he was not yet mature enough to deal with that inheritance on his own.
♦ Incidentally, you can miss the person you were meant to be with because you were too busy chasing after everyone else, or because you settled for the wrong person.
♦ Who you marry is the biggest decision in your life aside from accepting Jesus Christ as Savior. And if you marry the wrong person, you can totally derail the plan God had for you where you would have prospered and would have done amazing things–all because you were too wrapped up in the American dream’s version of love.
♦ When a Christian starts growing in God, one of the first things the enemy will try to do is send a distraction–often in the form of another Christian who is also growing in God. God will have a plan for the relationship between the two of you (and it won’t involve dating) and the enemy will have a plan for the relationship between the two of you (take a guess as to what that plan involves).
♦ Those distractions will look good, talk sweet, and may even be good to look at. Satan generally doesn’t dance in your face with a pitchfork screaming, “I’m Satan, I’m the Devil, and I’m evil! Pick me, pick me!”
♦ Got this little nugget from my spiritual father: Know what you’re looking for, but stop looking. What you’re really saying when you latch onto everyone you can find in hopes that they are “the one”, and when you go from person to person trying them on like specials at a 90% off sale at Old Navy is, “God, I really don’t have enough faith to believe that you’ll send me the right person. So I’m going to do this on my own.” God will send you the right person at the right time.
♦ Your God-given mate is an inheritance from God. As Damon Thompson says, “Spend your life looking for a mate and you’ll get something you wish you had never gotten. Spend your life seeking God and you’ll inherit something you never could have deserved.”
♦ You can’t attract who you were meant to be with until you stop looking like you.
♦ Focus on being mature, not married.
♦ Never marry someone just because you accidentally got them pregnant (if you’re a guy) or they accidentally got you pregnant (if you’re a girl). All my life, I heard in church “If you get pregnant, get married.” But that’s so messed up. What’s stupider than making one major mistake? Following it up by making the even bigger mistake of marrying the wrong person, and condemning an innocent child to a life with parents who hate one another and will probably get a divorce, anyway.
♦ When it is the right time, the person that you’re really meant to be with will understand your purpose and your passion. The wrong person won’t understand it, and they will constantly act as an anchor for you, keeping you from ever being what you could have been had you married the right person. As a Christian, not only should we not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14), but we should not be unequally yoked with those Christians who don’t understand our God-given purpose, either. This means none of that “I’m dating them so I can change them!” junk.
♦ When it is the right time and you’ve found the right person, don’t wait out on a long engagement. That does nothing but leave room for you to mess up. Get married.
♦ Have some kind of spiritual authority guard over and watch over your relationship. Oh, and until you’re married, set boundaries. Don’t tow the line and make temptations for yourself. Flee sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18). Lying down on the couch together is stupid. Here’s a tip (and I get this one from Damon, too): The word “ho” comes from the root word “horizontal”.
♦ This is a biggie, and I hear it all the time. If you read this and you’ve done it, you probably think I’m talking about you, but I’m not; I hear it almost on a daily basis. Never, ever, ever try to use “God told me to” to legitimize doing what you want to do. God will not tell you to be in an unbiblical relationship. If the relationship that God told you to be in doesn’t line up with biblical principles, God didn’t tell you to. Period. And it’s not a case of “the devil made me do it”, either. Your flesh made you do it, and your flesh knew that the moment you invoked God, people would feel obliged to shut up and not question your ability to hear the voice of God. Or maybe you just have really bad discernment for the voice of God, I dunno. If you think this sounds harsh, it does. The reason it’s so harsh is because I’m talking to myself right here, because I’ve done the exact same thing before. A lot of what I’ve said here, especially the harsher sounding things, can be drawn from my personal experience. Don’t take it personally. Do take it to heart.
♦ Our entire, Americanized concept known as “dating” didn’t even exist until the past 100 years. There is absolutely no biblical precedent for dating. There is an American precedent for it, and we have teenagers popping out babies and contracting STDs left and right, and the divorce rate is at 50%.
♦ You should and generally will be physically attracted to the person you’re meant to be with, just to debunk that myth.
♦ “Flee also youthful lusts; but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” (2 Timothy 2:22)
Beyond Just Dating…
What I say here won’t apply to everyone, but if it does apply to you, you’ll know in your heart. I don’t care what anyone says, if you got saved and you’re still living a lifestyle of sin, chances are you just had an emotional moment at an altar where some preacher who should have spent more time reading his Bible than studying his denomination’s doctrine told you that you were saved. “As for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” (Revelation 21:8, ESV) “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ by the Spirit of our God.” (1 Corinthians 6:9-11) “Those that belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” (Galatians 5:24)
Yes, we are saved by grace through faith and not by works, but faith without works is dead, and true faith will produce good works, and create a lifestyle of abstinence from sin. Will you still be tempted? Yes. Will you still struggle with sin? Yes. Will you still sin? Of course. But there’s a big difference between purposefully, happily, and contently living an immoral lifestyle and struggling with certain types of sin while passionately hating them at the same time.
I’ve said none of this for the sake of sounding judgmental, for the sake of sounding self-righteous (because I promise you, the only reason I can speak on many of these things is because of personal experience), or for the sake of being harsh. I’ve said this because I love people enough to tell them the truth, even though the world tells a different story and most churches won’t tell the whole story. I’m sick of people being led astray by false, worldly ideologies while at the same time being deceived by false doctrines in American churches. Jesus Christ is real, and so are His words–all of them!
“If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” (John 14:15, NASB)
In Conclusion…
It doesn’t matter how bad you’ve messed up in your relationships. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9, KJV) The weight of the sins of the world was upon His shoulders as He died on the cross, and He took all of it, including any sexual sin–no matter how bad–you may ever commit. And a true encounter with Him will not only cleanse you of what you’ve done in the past, but it will prevent you from doing those things in the future. You can’t have a true encounter with Jesus Christ and not be changed.
All in all, I guess what I’m trying to say is this: Seek a relationship with Jesus Christ, a true, binding, abiding, deep-love relationship with God, and then, and only then, you will find the person you’re truly supposed to be with.
“Keep your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the spings of life.” (Proverbs 4:23, ESV)
So if you’re in a relationship that you know you shouldn’t be in, get out of it. If it’s distracting you from God, get out of it. If it’s distracting you from your education, get out of it. If you’re 16, get out of it. If you’re not ready for marriage, get out of it. Say to God, “I choose You over what I want.” The entire idea of that is going to be jarring and upsetting to some people, and they will deny that there’s even any validity in it and try to ignore it, by throwing out every kind of argument they can think of to discredit what I’ve said here and justify their relationship, because their security is in that relationship and not in God.
But as I heard Karen Wheaton say at The Ramp, “True worship is not a slow song with your hands lifted. Sometimes it comes in laying down something that means a lot to you.” He layed down His life for you. What’s it for you lay down your own desires for Him?
I know this has been a lot to read, but there’s a lot to say. I didn’t want to say a lot of this, and I kept getting urges to water it down in fear that I would hurt someone’s feelings or make someone angry at me. But I can’t and I won’t change His message to please people, because it is for the good of people that I speak, not for their appeasement.
Love is here. Love is now. Love is Jesus. You can stop looking. He’s enough. Let Jesus be your lover.
If anyone needs to talk about anything (related to this or not), hit me up. I love you all. God bless.
Generation Life 